The zombie virus has begun to take hold in the larger cities and we sit beginning to lock ourselves down. The apocalypse is here, it’s 2020.
Supplies. You decide to nip down local Tesco Express. You’ve heard those brain munchers have over taken the big Tesco Extra in town so you think that’s it’s best to avoid the queues. When you get there you find that the doors are barricaded with a sign overhead that says “will barter for loo roll”. You look down and realize you been trailing a piece since your morning movement. You’re a regular he/she/they… What do you ask for?
Cigs and Vodka, that nic
i rush is sweet for running and vodka has multiple uses!
A Mars Bar & A Dirty Magazine, that’s dense energy choccy and your mind is shot from years of the internet. Once the electricity goes out you’re gonna need those pages!
A pink lady and a 2l bottle of Evian (it’s an apple) because you’re on a health kick and an apocalypse is a great excuse for shedding a few pounds.
A tin opener and change for a fiver. You’ve got a tin opener at home… but a least you swindled the guy and got your money back.
Weapons. On the walk home with your plunder you cut through the back field to avoid the streets. You saw a mean hobo once and if he was a zombie AND mean, you’re not sure you could take it. In the field you see a shack and just outside a rabbit sitting seemingly dazed with the splendour of nature. Do you…
Check the shack, there could be a sweet weapon in there! Let’s hope the hobo doesn’t live in there though … you find a pissy smelling hobo shotgun! Nice!
Yank a loose plank from the shack and bonk the rabbit! Weapon and dinner. Sorted!
sneak up and stick the rabbit in your Tesco bag.
Ignore the shack for fear of zombies and gaze at the nature with the rabbit.
Preparations. You make it back home with your swag. It’s time to fortify your base before the horde arrives.
Stick the door on the latch and draw the curtains. That’ll show them no ones home.
Barricade the door with your best dining room chair and make a start on dinner.
Sit on the sofa and start taping knives onto all the brooms you have. When you run out of dank broomage just start taping them to yourself.
Have a bath.
The Horde. They’re here and they smell your brain. You hear them banging on the door and windows… before you know it they’re in the house. You reach for your weapon and anything else you have and…
You cock your shotgun and take a fierce power stance. The first few zombies get a face load of lead and block the entry as they fall into gooey ruin. You feel a wave of relief down your body, but then you realise you totally left the back door open and that wave of relief is actually zombie hands on your supple boy back and you’re about to be a tasty dish.
You flail your plank around sending splinters and whoffs through the air. It’s not a good weapon… why did you think it would be… the zombies chow down on you, your brain and the rabbit you’d been cooking. Adding Insult to injury.
Use a rabbit as bait. You launch it towards them while backing up towards the back door. You slip out and escape down the car port!
Your hear the zombies coming up the stairs and shout. “I’m in the bath”, just so they know not to come in. The bang on the door, they obviously need the toilet but you shout “you’ll have to wait, I’ve just got in!” The door breaks down in splinters… and they join you in the tub for a good bloodbath.